There’s a reason why you and your wife of 20 years don’t
ravage each other anymore, and it isn’t for your lack of trying. According to a
new study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, women in a committed
relationship report lower levels of sexual desire over time—a .02 percent
decrease every month—while a guy’s desire stays the same. (Yet another reason
to start with a lusty woman to begin with!)
“Some research suggests that somewhere between 6 and 30
months, relationships switch from passionate to compassionate—more affectionate
than ripping each other’s clothes off,” says lead study author Robin Milhausen,
Ph.D., a sex researcher at the University of Guelph in Ontario.
So are you to blame for her lack of lust? Not necessarily,
Milhausen says. “For women with a lower sex drive in the first place, the
switch to a deeper emotional bond may reduce some of the excitement associated
with sex in new relationships.”
Still, you’re not exactly helping matters. We asked several
sex experts to shed light on the worst things you do around the house and in
the sack that turn her off. Vow to never commit the following mood-killers
again—try to Banish These Bad Habits, too—and your sex life will suffer no
more.
1. Ignoring Her Appearance
Guys in long-term relationships tend to stop noticing when
their partner looks pretty, and so much of female sexual desire is tied to a
sense of self-esteem,.. The fix here is simple: Pay her a few simple compliments every
day, like letting her know she’s sexy.
2. Putting Her Under Pressure
Don’t worry or question her about getting orgasms, says
Marnia Robinson, author of Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow. Stay relaxed and focused on
playful touching, she advises. “This means no performance pressure on either of
you. Let whatever happens happen in its own time—or not. Good sex is about
connection and sensual satisfaction, not number of orgasms produced.
3. Using Porn As a Benchmark
It’s good to keep the sex hot—but it’s more important to
keep it real. In other words, forget that cool move you caught on XTube. ”Just because you saw a sexual practice in a
film doesn’t mean it’s safe or satisfying,” says Robinson. And it might not even be something she’s
into. “If you need extreme stimulation to perform with a partner, you may want
to cut back on overstimulation. A desensitized brain can also find sex less
arousing. As you restore your brain to normal sensitivity, regular sex
behaviors become enjoyable again.” Time to rediscover the wonders of the
missionary position. (Need more help finding great moves? Use our handy Sex
Position Master.)
4. Leaving Her Lips Hanging
As men get comfortable in a relationship, their approach to
foreplay tends to focus on the moments leading up to sex, But
female desire doesn’t operate like a light switch that turns on and off—it’s
more like a dimmer,” he says. Small acts of intimacy like hugging and kissing
can get her in the mood. But don’t get antsy: “Don’t expect her to be
immediately turned on.
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